An Idiot’s Guide to Winning the Game of Thrones


A talented redditor Arstan manage to sum it up as a quick guide to win the Game Of Thrones Mountain .

Lords and Ladies, bastards and eunuchs. Like you, I know that in the game of thrones you either win or you die. Considering this severe penalty, it is understandable that many of you out there are hesitant about playing. That’s why I’m here. This post will serve as a guide to any of you who wish to take your chances playing the game of thrones. We will start with the two principles that should guide every player of the game of thrones.

  1. Forget honor. Honor has zero place in the game of thrones. Bringing honor to the game of thrones is the equivalent of wearing a boat anchor to a swim meet: you could be the Michael Phelps of political maneuvering, but in the end the only race you’ll win is the one to the bottom of the pool.
  2. Trust no one. Period. Not your friends. Not your family. Not your house. No one.

With the burden of honor and trust off your back you are ready to play the game of thrones. While playing there are certain rules you should keep in mind.

  1. Killing children. In the game of the thrones, if you haven’t killed/attempted to kill children, you aren’t playing the game right. Pushing kids out windows because they overheard your plans, sending assassins after heirs to the throne, and killing kingly bastards are all things you should be doing while playing the game of thrones.
  2. Keep a personal food tester. If you are playing the game of thrones, somebody will try to poison your food.
  3. Never travel by ship in autumn. Ever. Statistics from Oldtown show that 99% of ships are lost in the autumn and that of the 1% of the ships that do make it to their destination, half are overrun by pirates and sold into slavery. However, if you are lucky enough to be on one of the .5% of ships that do make it to their destination, you will get laid.
  4. Religion. Choose the Red God. Happen to be poisoned. BAM, Red God. Need a shadow baby to kill another player of the game of thrones. BAM, Red God. Has a wound you received in battle festered? Bam, Red God. The Red God is definitely the best choice.
  5. Never put money in your mouth. You never know if there is left over poison on it from a Faceless Man assassination.

This is just a start for the ultimate guide. Are there more that you can come up with?

Edit: Some new rules. (Reddit formating sucks!)

  1. I don’t care how much “dragon blood” you have in you, you’re not going to tame two feral dragons with a god-damn WHIP!!!!!!
  2. If a red priest, who’s made an absurd amount of true profosies, tells you you’re going to be stabbed in the back, please listen to them.