The Big Bang Theory best quotes

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the greatest comedy TV-show The Big Bang Theory.

Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper

the big bang theory

Quote from the episode The Lizard-Spock Expansion:  

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Quote from the episode The Gorilla Experiment: 

Sheldon: Why are you crying?

Penny: Because I’m stupid!

Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Quote from the episode The Griffin Equivalency: 

Sheldon: I’m not insane, my mother had me tested!

Quote from the episode The Jiminy Conjecture:

Raj: I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Quote from the episode The Maternal Congruence:

Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don’t want tea.
Sheldon: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It’s a conversation starter.
Leonard: That’s a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.

Quote from the episode The Bad Fish Paradigm:

Sheldon: I wouldn’t tell you the secret. (pause) Shhhhh!!!!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: I’M BATMAN!!!! SHHHH!!!

Quote from the episode The Pants Alternative:

Penny: So what do you say Sheldon, are we your X-men?
Sheldon: No, the X-men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be, my C-men.

Quote from the episode The Big Bran Hypothesis:

Sheldon: Ah, gravity – thou art a heartless bitch.

Quote from the episode The Gorilla Experiment:

Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Bazinga, I don’t care.

Quote from the episode The Adhesive Duck Deficiency:

Sheldon: There there, everything is going to be fine… Sheldon’s here!

Dr. Leonard Leakey Hofstadter

the big bang theory

Quote from the episode The Panty Pinata Polarization:

Leonard: Penny, you don’t want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy’s one lab accident away from being a super villain.

Quote from the episode The White Asparagus Triangulation:

Sheldon: *knock knock knock* Leonard? *knock knock knock* Leonard? *knock knock knock* Leonard?
Leonard: *opens door* What Sheldon! What Sheldon! What Sheldon!
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here. (Holding his laptop.)
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

Quote from the episode The Nerdvana Annihilation:

Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knock you unconscious now?
Sheldon: It won’t change the past.
Leonard: But it’d make the present so much nicer.

Quote from the episode The Tangerine Factor:

Howard: So you’re saying, if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you, and demands you take her right there, right now, you’ll just walk away?
Leonard: I said I’m her friend, not her gay friend.

Quote from the episode The Middle-Earth Paradigm:

(Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are all dressed as the Flash and they are deciding who will be what.)
Leonard: I call Frodo!
Sheldon, Raj, and Howard: (together) Damn!

Quote from the episode The Weekend Vortex:

Leonard: It will be like our World of Warcraft party a few years ago when the neighbors called the cops on us.
Howard: They called the cops because of the smell. They thought we were dead.
Raj: We were badass back in the day.
Leonard: All right, let’s do it.
Howard: 48 hours of Star Wars gaming.
Raj: It’s on like Alderaan.

Quote from the episode The Griffin Equivalency:

Leonard: [On Sheldon's smile] We’re here to cheer up Koothrappali, not kill Batman.

Quote from the episode The Griffin Equivalency:

Sheldon: I often forget other people have limitations. It’s so sad.
Howard: He can feel sadness?
Leonard: Not really. It’s what you and I would call condescension.

Quote from the episode The Friendship Contraction:

Leonard: You call that a glow stick? *Pulls out a Lightsaber* This is a glow stick!

Quote from the episode The Big Bran Hypothesis:

Leonard: You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don’t think that crosses the line?
Leonard: Yes… For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?

 

Dr. Rajesh Ramayan”Raj” Koothrappali 

the big bang theory

Quote from the episode The Weekend Vortex:

Raj: But e-excuse me, I have something to say. None of you may realize it, but I was very much looking forward to this weekend. It was gonna be like the old days — the four of us hanging out, playing video games, before you guys all got girlfriends. Do you have any idea what its like to the be the only one without a girlfriend? Even if I get one someday, I’ll still be the guy who got a girl after Sheldon Cooper!

Quote from the episode The Justice League Recombination:

Sheldon: Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.
Raj: Ooh, I call Kermit.
Sheldon: I’m Kermit. You’re Scooter.
Raj: Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He’s the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies.

Quote from the episode The Pork Chop Indeterminacy:

Leonard: On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the supercollider actually works, it’ll create a black hole and swallow up the Earth, ending life as we know it.
Raj: What a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory, man.

Quote from the episode The Justice League Recombination:

Raj: I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again. Aquaman sucks.

Quote from the episode The Killer Robot Instability:

Raj: (Referring to Kripke’s accent) I’m curious, what part of America is that accent from?

Quote from the episode The Wiggly Finger Catalyst:

Penny: This girl is trouble! What kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts and she gives you sex?
Raj: The best one I’ve ever had!

Quote from the episode The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem:

Raj: Isn’t there a policy against dating graduate students?
Leonard: No, if you can talk to them, you can ask them out.
Raj: Damn, there’s always a catch.

Quote from the episode The Beta Test Initiation:

Raj: Whoa! What’s your hurry, cowboy? Savor the moment.
*Raj and Howard slowly remove the plastic off Raj’s new iPhone 4S*
Howard: Oh, yeah.

Quote from the episode The Transporter Malfunction:

Raj: Oh, my goodness. Aren’t you the cutest little Yorkie ever! You got him for me?
Howard: Her. We thought you two would hit it off.
Raj: I think we already have.

Quote from the episode The Transporter Malfunction:

Raj: No, I’m not gay. If anything, I’m metrosexual.
Dr. Koothrappali: What’s that?
Raj: It means that I like women, as well as their skin-care products.

 

Howard Joel Wolowitz

the big bang theory

Quote from the episode The Peanut Reaction:

Howard: Try telling him it’s a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it!
Penny: *To Sheldon* It’s a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Ah, fair enough.
Howard: He came with a manual.

Quote from the episode The Pancake Batter Anomaly:

Sheldon: (On the phone) Howard, I’m sick.
Howard: (Hesitating, Imitating Mrs. Wolowitz) Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother talking, why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon: I need soup!
Howard: (Imitating Mrs. Wolowitz) Then call your own mother.

Quote from the episode The Griffin Equivalency:

(Sheldon smiles in a grotesque way).
Howard: Oh…… crap that’s terrifying.

Quote from the episode The Luminous Fish Effect:

Wolowitz: Whaddup science b*tches?

Quote from the episode The Cornhusker Vortex:

Howard: Sheldon knows football? I mean Quidditch, sure, but football?

Quote from the episode The Financial Permeability:

Leonard: OK, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes, Koothrappali’s going to wet himself, I’m gonna throw up, Sheldon’s gonna run away and you’re going to die.

Quote from the episode The Robotic Manipulation: 

Nurse: *Lifts up towel* What is this?
Howard: It’s a robot arm.
Nurse: Where’s the rest of the robot?
Howard: I only built the arm.
Nurse: Because that’s all you needed, right?

Quote from the episode The Panty Pinata Polarization:

Wolowitz: If it’s “creepy” to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so I can drop in on them unexpected, then fine, I’m “creepy”.

Quote from the episode The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition:

Wolowitz: Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Wolowitz: So there is a number.

Quote from the episode The Pancake Batter Anomaly:

Howard’s mom (HM): Howard it’s the phone!
Howard: I know it’s the phone ma’ I HEAR THE PHONE!
HM: Who is calling at this ungodly hour?
Howard: I don’t know!
HM: Well ask them why are they calling at this ungodly houer!
Howard: HOW CAN I ASK THEM WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!?. *on the phone* Hello?