Christmas is the biggest shopping holiday of the year. So companies spend big on advertisements and it is race against time to get your ads up and running to convince the buyer what to buy before he or she enters into the store. So as you can imagine in such competition sometimes things get out of hands and we end up seeing such ads. Disturbing but unintentional.
There are three possible scenarios on display here: Either Santa is so scandalized that he took his own life rather than endure another moment of gazing at the demon breasts, the woman is extremely turned on by crime scenes and snuck into Santa’s suicide to rub one out, or Santa is so sexually jaded that the only way he can get off is to watch a woman satisfy herself with gargantuan, ornate cast-iron dildos while he practices autoerotic asphyxiation.
Sprite Boy — a terrifying goddamn albino child with evil in his eyes clearly asking you, the viewer, to be complicit in the murder of Santa Claus by not warning him of the demon that waits for him in the darkness behind.
It’s not the fact that Santa is advertising Byrrh wine that makes this ad disturbing; it’s that Santa has clearly gotten so shit-faced that he no longer feels the cold, and God has sent an angel down to ease his transition from life as he slowly freezes to death on somebody’s roof.
You might assume we’ve stumbled upon Dad’s suicide note while he’s off working up the nerve to make it a memorable Christmas. But notice that the note is written in the second person. That can only mean that this note is written to dad, essentially saying: “Look, we’re not going to kill you. But if your failure to provide for this family makes you want to kill yourself, well, Merry Christmas.
This ad is trying to encourage young girls either to look as pretty as their dolls by using the Scotch Hair Set Tape or to start mounting and displaying the heads of their enemies as a warning to others. Little Billy will stop pulling your hair for good when he gets a load of what you did to the babysitter.
As crude as that last paragraph is, we honestly can’t think of any other circumstances where a lady in a “Sexy Ms Claus” costume winds giggling with two strapping pantsless dudes. Seriously, can you? And don’t say they’re her brothers because that’s much worse.
This one was released just this last year, depicting an unknown male, possibly a father/ brother/ sexual predator-who-broke-into-the-house-and-murdered-the-parents-in-their-bed, watching a child gleefully sort through the presents, still blissfully unaware of what’s about to happen to him.
“Beat the Christmas Holiday Rush.”
Because they get so busy, you see, with all the suicides around Christmas, that there might not even be a marker left when you go to bury your loved ones, and they will go to their eternal rest forgotten, in unmarked graves.
Rather than include a tree, a branch or a plank of wood to illustrate the kinds of things an Atkins saw can be used to cut, E.C. Atkins and Co. opted to put two cows on its ad instead. Because seriously — if you have the kind of kid who asks for a saw for Christmas, he is absolutely going to use it to kill animals.
The worst part about this isn’t Santa’s suicide — that was clearly an established tradition back in the good ol’ days. if you’re going to shoot yourself in the face with a rifle, that’s a little awkward: You’d have to take your boot off and pull the trigger with your toe.
That floppy boot lying on the ground beside Santa is the most heartrending icon of suicide ever depicted. That’s the kind of detail that you just don’t make up out of nowhere. Some artist had this fantasy over and over, finally re-enacting it on paper to sell to a dress shirt company because he had to pay the heating bill and just didn’t care about life anymore.