I know we haven't talked in awhile but I've been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
— oll (@dulcetry) April 22, 2015
"Is the Book Report any good?"
"How's it prepared?"
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
"Ooh, I'll have that."
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) April 15, 2015
"Daddy what's a tunnel?"
"Son, we've been through this.."
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) April 6, 2015
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
— refriend beans (@pharmasean) January 22, 2015
bumblebees don't sting you they just ignore you and in some ways that hurts a lot more
— Joe L (@joelu72) April 17, 2015
A volcano is still considered active as long as it's erupted in the past 10,000 years. So yeah doctor, you can put VERY "sexually active"
— Alex Rogaski (@AlexRogaski) March 26, 2015
Happy 3rd anniversary, glass of water next to my bed
— Jhorts (@JhonRules) April 24, 2015
"Tell my Wif… *cough*"
Yes? Tell her what?
"Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best"
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 5, 2015
I'm not saying this bro at the gym is on steroids but a drop of his sweat fell to the floor & grew into someone to spot him as he did squats
— Lyle Clip Art (@Kyle_Lippert) April 25, 2015
WOMAN: Got the time?
ME: [holds up wrist]
WOMAN: Oh you don't wear a watch?
ME: Just wait
[a parrot lands on my wrist]
PARROT: It's 7pm
— Joe West (@joejwest) March 30, 2015
Every one of Johnny Depp's scarves is from a magician he's killed.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) March 28, 2015
“Uh, wtf is that”
Uh, it’s clearly a wheelbarrow full of condoms, which we won’t be needing if you don’t lose the attitude
— Brent Something (@brentcetera) April 10, 2015
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) August 8, 2013
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 20, 2015