It's not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) May 11, 2015
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, "WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT" screamed one scientist
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 8, 2015
Dear spammers, if I somehow gave you the impression I'm into young women w/hot asses, I am not. I like french fries. Pls update your records
— maura quint (@behindyourback) May 16, 2015
I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 18, 2013
Would i live at coolios? sure. Would i laugh at his hair in front of his friends? yes.
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) May 12, 2015
Maybe my roommate would be cooler with my 45 minute showers if she knew I was pretending to be an otter under a waterfall for most of it.
— Shelby (@smelbz) July 21, 2012
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
— Brian Soto (@TrainedHedonist) April 29, 2014
I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) May 1, 2014
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait that's not my waiter.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) March 21, 2013
Moms are just cops who love you
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) October 23, 2014
"Actually sabre is a type of sword AND a type of swordfighting." is a thing I just heard from the worlds first supervirgin.
— Tronald Dump (@ChrisCubas) December 7, 2014
Just googled how to spell 'successful'
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) April 8, 2015
If I don't return 17 calls,9 texts,& 7 emails, it's safe to assume you've been blown off & bumped up to Borderline Stalker Status. Sorry Mom
— Erica (@SCbchbum) June 5, 2011
Where do you go to celebrate finally getting rid of your adult acne I'm heading to Taco Bell but I feel like that's wrong
— Ashley Skidmore (@Shhhhhhley) April 23, 2015
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) May 12, 2015