*gently takes Chuck Norris' hand*
Let's turn this roundhouse into a roundhome.
— Hedgehog Ninja (@werehedgehog) December 27, 2014
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) October 6, 2014
nothing says "you're safe here, white people" like a big ass bowl of pine cones
— knth (@painted_eel) January 20, 2014
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) February 13, 2015
[Don't let hot barrista know I'm a goose]
"Can I get you a coffee?"
Just a honk chonklate for me
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) February 9, 2015
ME: i'd like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you're just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) January 29, 2015
I'm like a classic Disney princess in that I'm often asleep.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 14, 2015
wow Guinness just came in and confirmed the dishes my roommate has been letting "soak" for 4 days are the cleanest dishes in the world woaah
— sadvil (@crylenol) February 15, 2015
DOG COP: [walks past car]
[sees own reflection in window]
Sir you can't park here
Don't copy me
HE'S GOT A GUN
— Joe West (@joejwest) February 12, 2015
As a kid, I cried on my birthday because I didn't get what I wanted. But as an adult, that happens every day.
— Groundhog Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) February 13, 2015
can't believe ppl do somethin so foolish & permanent as get tattoos. they should be responsible & get a 30 year mortgage in a town they hate
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 2, 2014
You hang Up.
"No you hang Up."
No YOU hang Up.
"No YOU hang Up."
– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 8, 2015
What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night? Hurry. This thing is creeping me out.
— guterman (@danguterman) January 30, 2015
You can tell how unstable someone is by how loud they scream when they drop their phone
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) February 12, 2015