25 Ryan Reynolds Hilariously Dark Tweets

If you’re a regular, well-adjusted, well loved person, you maybe don’t have a favorite celebrity daddy on social media. So it is lucky for me, you clicked on this, so you’re just as screwed up as I am, and now I know your favorite celebrity dad on social media is Ryan Reynolds.So here is some of his darkest tweets.

Proud of my baby daughter placing last in her old-timey, bare-knuckle street fighting class. Congrats to her 31 year old opponent, Rick.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 7, 2016

Nothing better than the simple joys of finding 5 bucks in an old pair of pants, or discovering my wife and I had a second daughter over a year ago.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 24, 2018

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016

I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 11, 2015

Damn it's hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) September 7, 2016

On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 16, 2016

The mobile above my daughter's crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 20, 2016

Put the baby down in her crib tonight. She scrunched her nose so cute, giggled, then turned into thousands of bats.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 10, 2016

Tinder isn't a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 19, 2016

My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 16, 2017

My kids tried to surprise me for my birthday this morning. I totally heard them coming and snuck out to start a new life somewhere else.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 23, 2017

Siri just read this out loud to my daughters. Happy Thanksgiving. https://t.co/X5IBjPWuqp

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 23, 2017

Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2016

My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 4, 2017

Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 30, 2017

It's important kids eat 5 servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 29, 2016

I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 9, 2016

Healthy Parenting Tip No. 34: Get the child into showbiz as soon as possible.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 1, 2016

No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 7, 2016

I'm writing a children's book in "all caps" so people know to yell.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 13, 2016

What's better than a 12 hour drive with a screaming 1 year old? Not including hepatitis.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 2, 2016

Totally caved and tossed my daughter the keys to the car. She looked really happy as they bounced off her tiny infant face.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 12, 2016

Happy birthday to my baby girl! Sad I lost my virginity. But thankful I have a daughter.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 16, 2015

Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) May 3, 2016

After this morning's diaper, my daughter finally earned the teardrop tattoo on her face.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 14, 2016