Donald Trump Jokes

Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico.” –Conan O’Brien

“The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks.” –Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls.

This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.” –Conan O’Brien

“A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn’t even see who they were punching.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has claimed that his candidacy is fueling more interest in voting. More people are signing up to vote. Just like herpes fuels more interest in Valtrex, for instance.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll.

On the bright side, he’s still polling Number 1 among Germans of the 1930s.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said, ‘There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.’ That’s right, he said: ‘In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane.

“Donald Trump told The Washington Post that he’ll be able to get the United States completely out of debt in eight years. When asked how, Trump was like, ‘Easy, declare bankruptcy and start fresh!

It’s fantastic. I’ve done it already. It’s amazing.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said yesterday that acting more presidential would make his campaign ‘boring as hell.’ Though if he gets elected, I suppose ‘boring’ is the best version of hell we can hope for.” –Seth Meyers

Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that’s what’s happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.” –Seth Meyers

“Analysts say Hillary Clinton’s plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as ‘dangerous and bigoted.’ She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.” –Conan O’Brien

“After he won yesterday’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, ‘I love the poorly educated.’ Trump then said, ‘And when I’m president there’ll be more of them than ever.'” –Conan O’Brien

“At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he’d like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.” –Seth Meyers

“Trump held a press conference at his golf club in Jupiter, Florida, last night where he defended himself against charges that he isn’t ‘presidential.’ He does everything better than anybody. If he was running for queen, he would be the queenliest queen. And how did he demonstrate that presidential behavior? By plugging Trump Water, Trump Magazine, Trump Vodka, Trump Wine, and Trump Steak. He’s showing his steaks. I’m pretty sure it’s the first campaign speech I’ve ever seen given next to a pile of unrefrigerated beef.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump was upset that Mitt Romney said a bunch of his business ventures failed so he set these tables up on stage to showcase some of his many products. There’s the water and the wine and the meat. Is this Fox News or QVC?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they’re voting for him, Americans said, ‘We’re used to doing things in Nevada that we’ll regret tomorrow.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.” –John Oliver

 

“Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That’s right, Trump appeals to Nevada’s key demographic — people who’ve declared bankruptcy.” –Conan O’Brien

“Analysts say that Donald Trump’s GOP rivals are running out of time to defeat him. This is not according to the electoral schedule — it’s according to the Book of Revelations.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump won this weekend in Nevada and South Carolina, respectively. Because Americans are ready for compassionate, principled, experienced leadership OR the opposite.” –Seth Meyers

“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.'” –Conan O’Brien

“This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz ‘illegally stole’ the election. Trump said, ‘Everyone knows you’re supposed to illegally BUY the election.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump lost the Iowa Caucus. Trump blamed the media, bad weather, and Iowa’s three Muslims.” –Conan O’Brien
“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.'” –Conan O’Brien

“This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz ‘illegally stole’ the election. Trump said, ‘Everyone knows you’re supposed to illegally BUY the election.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump lost the Iowa Caucus. Trump blamed the media, bad weather, and Iowa’s three Muslims.” –Conan O’Brien

“The other big news is that Donald Trump won all 50 delegates in Saturday’s South Carolina primary. So if you’re paying attention, this is the official point when people go from saying, ‘Oh, this is kinda fun!’ to saying, ‘Oh my God, this is really happening!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump was declared the big winner in the South Carolina primary by himself weeks ago, and the voters said, ‘Yeah! OK! That sounds good!’ So now the obvious question is, will he ever not win? Yes, Trump is unstoppable. He’s like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience.” –Stephen Colbert

“People have unearthed a tweet from 2013 where Donald Trump tweeted: ‘Nobody remembers who came in second.’ Famously said by Walter Hagen. And if anyone can tell you who won’t be remembered, it’s Walter Hagen. Donald Trump really has egg on his face now which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.” –James Corden

“Donald Trump said that he’s not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said yesterday that if he’s elected, he would ‘probably not talk as much.’ That’s right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.” –Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a ‘maniac,’ he has since learned that Cruz has a ‘wonderful temperament.’ And if Donald Trump thinks you have a ‘wonderful temperament,’ you’re probably a maniac.” –Seth Meyers

“A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump’s doctor wrote a letter saying that if elected, ‘Mr. Trump will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.’ Then, when asked about Trump’s mental health, the doctor got very quiet.” –Conan O’Brien

“At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute ‘Sieg Heil!’ Trump immediately responded, ‘There is no place for that here — save it for my inauguration.'” –Conan O’Brien
“Members of the British Parliament are going to meet later this month to debate whether or not to ban Donald Trump from entering the UK. One member of Parliament said, ‘Look, we have enough guys with ridiculous-looking things on their heads making sure nobody gets over a fence.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump’s wedding but didn’t give him a gift. Trump said, ‘Just for that, you’re not coming to my next three weddings.'” –Conan O’Brien

“A golf course owned by Donald Trump is no longer being considered to host a major golf tournament due to remarks that Trump has made about Mexicans and Muslims. You know there’s a problem when your views on race are too extreme for a private golf club.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, ‘They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump told People Magazine that he’s good at sports. Which could be true, because it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions.” –Conan O’Brien

“The most popular reality TV show in America right now is Donald Trump’s campaign for president. Trump, yesterday, proposed a ‘total and complete shutdown’ of Muslims coming into the United States. Even former Vice President Dick Cheney said the ban goes against everything we believe in. And this is a guy who shot one of his friends.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said that the United States should block all Muslims from entering the country. He said that in fact, the only reason we should ever allow ANYONE to come here from ANY country is to marry him.” –Seth Meyers

“A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, ‘Trump’s a racist.’ The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.” –Seth Meyers

 

“A new report claims ISIS has been using American weapons in their fight against the United States. The weapons include tanks, rifles, and Donald Trump.” –Conan O’Brien

“After years of being banned, Adolf Hitler’s ‘Mein Kampf’ is headed back to German bookstores. The new edition has a foreword by Donald Trump.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.'” –Conan O’Brien

“On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump’s biggest group of supporters: ‘People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot.'” –Conan O’Brien

Related:

10 Of The Dumbest Things Donald Trump Has Said Or Tweeted

The 25 Dumbest Things Donald Trump Has Ever Said

Fake Health Brochure About Donald Trump in a Doctor’s Waiting Room

If Donald Trump Had Tweeted Throughout History