John Oliver Have Some Theories About Texas’ Creepy Beach Dolls

John Oliver

John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight talks about and has helped to educate us about the everyday atrocities of our world. But somehow, he has judged this “the worst thing [he has] ever seen”.

In a web-only segment, a terrified Oliver introduces his audience to South Texas’ most nightmare-inducing beach dolls: the dozens of semi-intact dolls, doll heads, and other doll parts that wash up on the shore with alarming regularity, empty features worn blank by the waves and orifices occupied by malignant colonies of sea life. Featured players include Oliver’s “personal enemy, Barnacle Baby”, one he’s named Anthony, and a doll that he points out is quite clearly a sex doll, judging by its carnival-clown-like mouth opening: “That doll is different than the others in a meaningful, practical way!”

“Do we need to break some kind of curse? That would make sense,” he rants. “Is there a special volcano we have to throw them into?” There’s also a complicated theory about the ghost of a Victorian child with the Devil in her heart, plaguing the waters of the Gulf. And honestly, given the inconceivable scope of the many, many problems facing American society right now, exorcising a 400-mile-long swathe of the Gulf Coast of sinister toys sounds totally doable at this point.


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