There’s a fad going around called exercise. Maybe you’ve heard of it. I was even engaging in it every day, and then earlier this week my dog ate my bike helmet. I went to replace it and realized how expensive this biking crap was.
My legs were sore too, and so were my arms. What was I doing to myself? I started a list of pros and cons, and couldn’t find many pros. I did come up with this list though.
Waking up to an alarm is a hardship. Especially if it is because you are biking to work. Waking up an hour before it goes off because you can’t sleep anymore is even worse. It is easier to stick to a morning workout routine, but if you would rather stay snuggled in the sheets, try these sleep tips.
If you’re using your phone to time your workout and listen to music, it’s probably going to get all sweaty and gross, full of germs. Use these tips from Apple to clean it, even if you have a Droid. It’s too bad they don’t have an app for that.
If you’re using one of those wearable fitness devices or using your phone to track your steps and your sleep patterns, you could be telling the world more than you think, even about your sex life according to an article by Andrew Boyd Associate Professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago. Taking off a fitness device or shutting off your phone or the app may tell the NSA you are doing something you don’t want them to know about. If they choose to search your property and find your stash of…whatever you have stashed, it could lead to daily exercise in a fenced yard.
A better option? Stop exercising. You don’t need to track sitting on the couch, and the NSA already knows how many episodes of Criminal Minds you’ve streamed on Netflix.
Unless you are like my 13-year-old son, and you don’t mind smelling like ass the rest of the day after your workout, you’re going to have to change clothes. That means at least on the days you exercise you’re doubling your laundry load.
But take heart. Laundry and other tasks count as exercise. So if you’re going to track all that shit anyway, might as well track the little things and count the calories you burn doing them.
That stick of deodorant that used to last a month or two is now over as quickly as One Direction’s career, similar to the amount of laundry soap you’re using. You have to get the biggest size they have at Costco, the one it takes two hands to lift, and even that one only lasts a month or so.
The good news is dripping sweat promotes detoxification through the skin and also helps cool us down.
Diet and exercise? Please. All that moving around and lifting things makes you crave stuff that’s good for you, like donuts and burgers. There’s nothing as good as chasing Gatorade with a Krispy Kreme donut or a bacon maple bar.
Besides, you need fuel to do all that working out, right? You don’t want to fall asleep at work from getting up so early and burning all of your energy at the gym.
If you don’t go at all, you don’t have to worry about it. You can still have half a donut at least because you’re still doing half as much laundry.
When you leave the gym or finish exercising, you can hardly walk, kind of like Charlie Sheen on a Friday night. You could go for a massage, but then you’re spending even more money on top of your gym membership.
If you insist on exercise, you could get this soft tissue soothing therapy foam roller, but I’d advise against it. Just stay home and get your workout on scooping ice cream that is still really frozen hard.
We’re not even going to mention how they smell, but your feet look disgusting. Sweat breeds icky stuff on them. God forbid you don’t wear shower shoes at the gym: it will be even worse.
You can make it better. If you insist on running, cut your toenails and make sure your shoes fit to avoid that nasty runner’s toe. An easier solution is just not to run unless you are being chased. In that case, your disgusting feet don’t matter nearly as much.
There are some strategies to prevent liquid from gathering, clothing from getting moist, and thighs and other body parts from chafing. Unfortunately, they just don’t always work. Parts you’d rather not be aware of outside the bedroom become raw.
A little baby powder or some medicated cream? Sure. Better strategy? Stop all that sweaty exercise.
Face it, besides the gym bad, the extra set of clothes, the towel, extra shoes, you have to carry around extra snacks. All of that in addition to the stuff you already have to carry for work. It’s a pain in the butt, or at least in your lower back.
Don’t do it. Stay lazy. Your body will thank you for it.
BONUS: Speaking of sh!t, you have to go. All. The. Time.
Exercise does other stuff to your body, like make you regular. You can accomplish the same thing with coffee and some fiber, but you wanted that six-pack. Or passed on the six-pack, for something called abs.
If you really want to know, you can study everything you didn’t want to know about poop. I’d just recommend nipping that urge to exercise in the bud.
The point is, all of that exercise and getting in shape stuff can get expensive, and it’s dangerous. You’re better off at home, doing 12-ounce curls and remote button-pushing. No matter what anyone else tells you, exercise is a really bad idea.