Some days ago I started thinking about how I would do if I fought an alien. Fact is, I would most likely get the shit probed out of me in less then three seconds and cry myself to death if there was ever a real invasion. So, I enlisted the help of some friends to help me deal with such nonsense. I tried to keep the list relative to the subject matter, which means I really wanted to put Batman on the list but it didn’t make much sense. But really, who doesn’t want Batman on their team? For anything.
10. Ninjas – ALIEN VS. NINJA
I haven’t even seen this movie but why wouldn’t I want some ninja on my team? If we were fighting rabid spider monkeys? Ninja. If we we being attacked by a 75-foot ice cream monster? Ninja. There is no situation they wouldn’t improve.
9. Nada – THEY LIVE
I’d even let him keep the glasses on. Dude is a tough-nosed worker that could build us a shelter, fight off random homeless people, and drop some serious one-liners throughout the day that would ease the tension of being wiped off the planet. He might have to wear a kilt though.
8. R.J. McReady – THE THING
He’s only this low on the list because he might actually be an alien at this point in his career. Also, it might take a few months to thaw his ass out, so by the time he’s ready to go it might all be over.
7. Richard B. Riddick – PITCH BLACK
He’s always got the night shift. Hopefully he brings a couple bags full of those nifty weapons he likes to play with too. I wouldn’t trust him with anything though and the second we were in the clear I’d turn him in for a handsome reward. Then he would kill me.
6. Johnny Rico – STARSHIP TROOPERS
Rico is just the type meat-head I need around. Give him an order and the guy will kill himself trying to please the team. He seems to be popular with the ladies too so if we happen to come across a group of desperate survivor hotties we might be able to play wingman and get some sloppy seconds.
4. Agents K & J – MEN IN BLACK
They bring experience, coolness, and an impressive arsenal to the table. The first time the black one says “Aw, hell no” though I’ll have to put my foot down his gullet. And they have to bring enough suits for everybody.
3. Lex Luthor – SUPERMAN
He’s the only dude on the planet to give the most powerful alien in history a hard time – of course I want him on my team. Money, brains, giant balls, there’s nothing this guy wouldn’t do to win.
1. Dutch – PREDATOR
Look at him, you telling me he’s not your first pick when making a survival team? His fist fought a Predator! He survived a nuclear (kind of) explosion! He’s still wearing his watch! When the shit hits the fan, there’s nobody better to hide behind.